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Thursday, November 21, 2013

am I ever really there?

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Have you ever had an idea/concept/truth all the sudden sink in... even though you've heard it over and over again?

It's a God thing.  Sometimes He needs to open your heart to "hear" the message and that can take time.

I'm a Barenaked Ladies fan.  Have been since Hubsy and I met back in 1995, he took me to see them in concert and I was hooked.  So needless to say I've been listening to them for a long time.  "For you" is one of my favorites and there are these lyrics in there that just hit me one day about a year ago.

"If I hide myself wherever I go 
Am I ever really there?"
--Lyrics from "For You" by Barenaked Ladies

I never considered myself as having low self-esteem, but maybe I did?  I do care what people think of me.  Problem is it seems I spent most of my life caring to the point that I would try and alter people's perception of me or I would just clam up and not share much of myself.  I would rather someone not have much of any opinion of me than really know me and dislike me.
I was not living authentically.  I was not practicing true self-acceptance.  The day those lyrics finally hit me, I pondered if I am hiding portions of myself, am I really truly living?  Am I having authentic experiences?  Um...no.  
Self acceptance is the only way to true happiness.  It's an extension of how God sees you.  As a unique and irreplaceable treasure, flaws and all.  I'm learning to embrace the things I once thought of as flaws.  Changing the way you think and act is not easy.  It takes time, not like flipping a switch or anything.  But I am truly so much happier and feel at peace more often having begun to put this into practice.
Sadly I have to admit that I was even hiding parts of myself from friends and family.  I would often just stay quiet and not share much.  Lately I've been sharing more and more about my opinion, my faith, and my thoughts with those I once would not have.  Authentic relationships is what I crave now.
How about you?  Do you hide yourself?

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