Decisions, decisions, decisions

Life is roller coaster.

I know, "thank you Captain Obvious" right?

Well, life has been up and down and up and down a lot lately.  Especially on the emotional front.   Sometimes several times in one day.

There is literally only one thing I am sure of in my life right now.  

Me and my "boys" will go through it together. 

I seriously have no idea where my life will be in 5 years.  

Heck not even in 1 year if I'm truthful.  

Every aspect is up for debate. 

Job, house, lifestyle, business....you name it.

It's a crazy place to be.  

Exciting and scary as hell at the same time.  

Only time will tell.  

I just pray that God's plan is revealed to us and we make the choices that He wants us to.

Have you ever felt like that?  No direction.  No plan.  

I need a plan.  I'm not a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal. 

But somehow I've had a lot of this going on in the past 10 years.  I blame it on the Hubsy :)

He is a man of action whereas I would rather hang back and see what happens.  God has blessed me with this man.  If it weren't for him I wouldn't have had nearly the experiences I have had.  

They make for good stories.  

Maybe a lot of stress at the time but good stories and memories in the end :)  

I wouldn't want to be on this roller coaster with anyone else.  He makes life less scary and holds my hand every step of the way. 

I don't like indecision but I'm probably one of the most indecisive people out there.  Even more so now that we have kids.  Just scared of making the wrong choice I guess.  But now that I'm a bit older with some grown-up life experience under my belt, I realize that whether right or wrong, God has provided all I need in every circumstance and I have no doubt He will do the same this time.

And now for your viewing pleasure I have included some 

relevant prints about all this thinking I've been doing....enjoy

What are you thinking about?

Like weeds

My boys are growing like weeds.

It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day.  

Me Hubsy and I are always talking about those days where all the sudden one 

of them seems to have aged a year all the sudden.  

You start to realize a little more roundness is gone from their face.  

They've mastered a new skill.

They all the sudden do something you've been begging them to do forever, 

but this time they do it without you even asking.

Gone are the Backyardigans, Little Einsteins, and Diego....

they've moved on to alien fighting teenagers and superheroes.  Sigh.  

I will miss those Backyardigans for sure.  Such good music ;)

But that's all part of the plan right?  

This moving on.  

To the next stage of life.

Why can't it go a little slower?  

Why can't I have more hours in the day to soak up their littleness?

My heart breaks at how much they've grown up and yet I am immensely proud of them.  

The little men they are becoming.

I'm so blessed to be their mother.  

I could not have asked for two cooler kids to raise.

They were handpicked for me and Hubsy ;)

But with this new stage comes a lot of fun.  

We get to be goofy with them and shout out songs at the top of our lungs in the car.

We can even go sans nap on occasion.

It's a good time to be their mom.
A good time to share with them and teach them the next steps in becoming themselves.
They are such special little men.

And they have my heart forever.

Struggling

Just breathe.

Tread water.

Pray and be faithful.

A new struggle is surfacing.  

This is a hard post to write.  

I love my L with all my heart.  

He has such a big heart and can be so loving.  But I don't know who this child is lately.  

This week we have hit a new low.  Not that we've never had behavioral issues with him before but we're facing a new challenge and I'm not sure how to handle it.

There is lying.

There is sneaking.

There is disrespect and backtalk.

And not in small doses or I wouldn't be writing this.  The first thing that comes to mind is maybe new exposure in school.  I really can't think of anything else that has changed that may have brought on this level of increased bad behavior.  He's using words we've never used at home and certainly don't approve of.  He's lying about almost everything.  I get lying, I understand why kids (and adults) do it.  But he lies about things that don't even make any sense.  Like things he wouldn't even get in trouble for regardless of his answer.  And the backtalk.  OOOHH the backtalk, dished out at every turn.  It almost feels like living with a rebellious teenager.  Of course E is soaking all this up and emulating his big brother which just compounds our frustration.

What could be different about kindergarten versus preschool?  Is there really that much difference from the 6 hours a week he was in preschool last year to the 35 hours a week of kindergarten? 
I just don't know...

But I do know that this too shall pass, it's just going to be one
of those struggles we need to go through.

And it surely won't be the last.

I pray for the right words to say to L, the right actions to take, and peace in our home.

Am I a stable mother?

Man this whole full-time working mom/kid-in-school thing is kicking my butt.  

And I can't quite figure out why.

I even had to buy a planner to keep up with my son's school stuff plus my own responsibilities.  It's not that he has a ton of homework in kindergarten but you add to it that we have to remember a towel every Monday, gym clothes on Monday and Thursday, alphabet book due every Friday, field trip permission slips, fundraisers, and parent projects, you can see how things are a bit busy.  I just can't keep it all straight.

Let's just say I have not been handling all this added stress very gracefully.  When I don't feel pinched for time, I am an attentive and loving mother.  But when I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off (like that visual?) my frazzled nerves tend get the best of me...and everyone else gets the worst.  I don't exactly work well under pressure. 

I want to be a "stable mother". 
I want my kids to be able to come to me with anything and know that I will accept them and love them without flipping out.  Recently L has started to ask me if I'm mad every time he makes a mistake.  That speaks volumes and has got me thinking.  Then I came across this post from Lori at Always Learning and it has helped me immensely. 

It speaks of being a emotionally stable mother which can be hard at times but is extremely important.

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. 
Proverbs 14:1

When we let our own emotions rule, our beloved family can suffer.  That's the last thing we mamas want but it can be all to easy to do.  So take a moment to recognize if you are letting your emotions rule you and make the choice to be joyful everyday.  

You'll see an instant improvement when you do...I know I have.

Call and answer

My friends....I have been regressing.

I'm not proud of it.

It's time to pull up my britches and get it together again.

A few months ago I vowed to maintain a positive attitude.  I have such a wonderful life, so why do I end up being so crabby and lashing out at my loved ones?  It has not been the best few weeks in our house.  It's not that we have anything truly bad or stressful going on, it's just that there IS A LOT going on and everything seems to have a deadline.  I'm feeling really overwhelmed...that I can't get it all done or I am going to forget something important.  

Well, amidst all this I have hurt the ones I love.  

Harsh words.

A temper lost....more than once.

Overeacting.

This morning I have finally surrendered all this "stuff" to God.  It is truly not the end of the world if I don't get it all done on time or make a mistake.  God provides all we need.

Lord help me to put my own stresses aside so I can truly hear the needs of my family.

Give me patience.

Let me remember the struggles of others.

Give me compassion.

As soon as I surrendered my worries and put my faith in His power, the power went out at my office.  This is not uncommon so I was just waiting it out as usual when we were told this would be an extended outage and we could go ahead and go home for the day.  I could not believe it!  I now have 6 more hours to do some of the things I need to get done!

I called out with a surrendered heart and God answered and provided.

Next on the agenda is to humble myself to my husband and kids and apologize for my selfishness.
They really deserve my best, not my worst.

In a Southern state of mind.....

Come sit a spell :)

I know many of you are lucky enough to live "down south" but around here we experience severe northern exposure.  Along with the colder temps we suffer from an inhospitable attitude.

Oh I'm not saying its like that in the entire north, 

but where I live...um yea it's the norm.

My husband and I lived in a little po-dunk town in North Carolina for 2 brief years.  It was an unbelievable experience for us.  The absolute love and kindness we were shown in our time there was so enlightening to the way life could be.  When we moved back here we swore we did not want to lose that southern state of mind.  I think we kept it for a bit but looking back now I see we have let it go.  

I think it's time to resurrect some good 'ol southern hospitality!

: :

Like saying hello.  

I mean its commonplace here to walk past someone and not look at them or say anything.  Come on!  We don't even acknowledge people's existence!  How sad is that?  I'm gonna work on saying "hi" to everyone I pass by.  I may even really freak them out and remark on the day or ask how they are.  

That'll throw 'em for a loop!

: :
And opening the door for people.  

Oh we do this sometimes but not NEARLY often enough.

: :

Offering your seat to someone else.

: :

Stopping to help when we see someone struggling and not worrying if its going to make you late.  

That's a big one I'm guilty of :[

: :

Saying "Sir" and Ma'am".  

We always said we wanted our kids to show respect in this way but we have stopped doing it ourselves a lot of times.  One thing we have held on to well is saying "Mister" or "Miss" before someone's first name and our boys have caught on to it.  I just love the way it sounds...."Miss Diane, may I have some juice please?"  Perfectly polite little boys :)

Here's to sweet tea sippin', 
sweet talkin' southerners 
(and northerners in that 
sounthern state of mind)

We love y'all!

Random Friday

A little randomness for Friday....

: :

So day 1 of my new attitude went really well.  Thank you to those who left me such sweet comments on my last post!  Fundamentally changing the way you think and behave is TOUGH.

Day 2 saw some negativity creeping in but I was able to recognize it and turn my thoughts and words around, so another success : )

I've mentioned before about the devotionals I read to my son before bed and how they are always so timely for ME.  I think I'm getting more out of them than he is at this point but I hope some of it is soaking in to him :)  

Here was last night's....

"Watch the way you talk.  Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth.  Say only what helps, each word is a gift."  Ephesians 4:29

I have definitely been thinking more before I speak.  Just imagine...saying only what helps.  This is my goal.

: :

Our pool collapsed a week ago : [  And after many phone calls to the insurance adjuster, they determined it will not be covered, so alas our beloved pool is gone.  In line with our determination to find and focus on the positive we have been having fun figuring out what we are going to do with this now void area of the yard.  Some realistic options and some fantasy...L (my oldest son) wants to put in a waterfall leading into a pond he can fish in.  My husband wants a hot tub.  Fantasy?...um yes ; )  We have settled on moving our firepit from where it currently is to this area so people will actually have room to sit around it and enjoy the fire.  We may even put in a tiny waterfall since we have the majority of materials needed already...but no pond to fish in.  Hoping L will still be happy with just a warterfall.  

Firepit....waterfall....all in all I think it will be a really cool space when we're done with it.

: :

My car broke down on Monday and it has been in the shop all week  Thankfully this happened during the summer when my husband is off from work and we can get by on one car.  So I have been driving "Black Jack" to work this week. I must say I have been enjoying it thoroughly : )  Black Jack is kind of a metaphor for what my husband and I are trying to achieve.  It is simple, no unnecessary frills here.  Good old crank windows, manual door locks, stick shift.  You have to actively DRIVE this car and I love it.  But so does my husband so I know he'll want it back : )

: :

All the prayers and support I have been getting have been such a blessing.  They just fuel my fire to really make the changes God is calling me to and be firm in my determination to become a better person and break out of these bad habits.  

I need this.  My family needs this.  

Thank you friends, from the depths of my heart, thank you.

 finding joy

Pillow Talk

I cried last night....for 2 hours.

It was great.

A true release of all I've been holding inside.  

And my husband was right there holding me all the while.  

I was the one that was crying but both of us were letting it all out.

We so rarely get to have honest-to-goodness conversations.  That's just the way it is with kids, there's always interruptions.  "I need a drink", "he took my toy", "can you change the channel", "I have to go to the bathroom", "look at what I can do"....you moms know how it goes.  So most of the time the only time my husband and I have to actually talk is laying in bed at night. 

We've come to the realization that we need to make some major changes in our life.  

When we look at our life from an outside perspective, it really is pretty great, so why are we so stressed out all the time?  Why do we look at the negative side of things?  Why are we short with each other so often?  We really did some self examination and it was time to get honest with ourselves and each other.  We talked about what we truly need from a bare bones perspective...God and family.  

When you consider the stuff we let ourselves get worked up over, it's laughable really.  

And the extent to which we let it bother us...utterly ridiculous.  

The scary thing is we can see the negativity seeping into our kids too.  We've talked about it a bit in the past and things improved for a little bit but we're really committed to making a lasting change.  It will be hard and I hope we can catch ourselves before we get caught in the same cycle of behavior that we've been in but we've decided not to focus on the past, really work on moving forward, starting today.

Change is hard and uncomfortable but we know the rewards will be great.  

So our first step is to simplify our lives.  Really examine what we can cut out and what we really need.  Again, not an easy task but in a weird way I am looking forward to it.  I'm sure we will end up finding it quite freeing actually.

I've never really asked someone to pray for me before but I ask you today my friends to pray for my little family...that we may live our lives for the Lord...that we look at the world outside of ourselves...that we let go of the earthly junk we have cluttered up our lives with....that we have hearts and minds full of positivity and love....that we are a blessing to others and each other.

Have you ever made a fundamental change in your life?  Were you able to make it stick?

I would be inspired to hear about it!  Please leave me comment or send me an email and share.

Thanks for your prayers friends!

Taking the high road....

My sister bought my son a nightly devotional book this past Christmas and most of the time it seems like God is using it for me instead of my son.  I'm sure he is benefiting from it as well but it's crazy how many nights I'm reading it to him and the message seems made for me.  Last night was about how to love those that are hard to love.

"You have heard it said , "Love your neighbor and hate your enemy."  But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven."  Matthew 5:43-45 NIV

I recently had an experience with someone fairly close to me that was flat out rude and ridiculous given the circumstances.  But then again this person has always been like this, serving out backhanded compliments and just an overall attitude that nothing we do will ever be good enough.  It's getting harder and harder not to blow up at this person and just let it go.  I was even contemplating what I could say the nest time I saw them.  Thankfully though, I let off some steam to my Mom and then came this timely devotional.

Truth is we probably all have someone in our lives that's a little hard to love, and sometimes that may be an understatement!  God was gracious enough to remind me that the best way to deal with these people is to forgive them as fast as you can, move on, and pray for them.  Always pray for them.  This is a lot harder for me than it sounds but I will try Lord.  I will always try.

The Prayer

Heavenly Father, make me a kind person even to those who don't treat me kindly.  Let me forgive others, just as You have forgiven me. Amen.

So simple, but so badly needed.